CUTING A NEW HOLE IN MY EYES, MY FRIENDS FALL DOWN AND MY BRAND NEW LODGE IS SADDLY EMPTY BUT I AM DECLARED FIT!

CUTING A NEW HOLE IN MY EYES, MY FRIENDS FALL DOWN AND MY BRAND NEW LODGE IS SADDLY EMPTY BUT I AM DECLARED FIT!


For a while now I have been moaning and groaning about my specs, I just could not see right. I was shouting at the optician, the only medical boff’s I visit with any regularity. We experimented with all sorts of different combinations of spec but nothing seemed to work! I was despairing and had decided that I would take the plunge and do the laser thing, scary! However when I went to the specialist chap I was informed that in fact my problem was cataracts, which sent me into a decline I can tell you that!
Appointments and arrangements were made, and I was deposited at the allocated place of pain, the club of the sick and the holt in the mighty metropolis of Middleburg, brrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
Actually it was just an office block opposite the cop shop and the reception looked more like a hotel than a hospital! This was all new, manned or is it ‘womanned?’ with bright young things in airhostess outfits and helpful attitudes. The vibe was more of a conservative advertising agency than a place for the miserable and doomed.

Upstairs things fell back into the old model of hospital, with sad old people stashed in beds and chairs, all clean and nice, with a gaggle of tough old bags with titty watches and epaulets directing events.
I was swiftly stripped naked, watches, wallets and pen knife were confiscated, which I thought was a bit strange for an eye operation, but those ladies had a system and a bolshie old fart was NO hurdle of note, and thus reduced to but a piece of meat on a trolley I was left to meditate my fate for quite a little while.
If ever an entire industry can be accused have having NO respect for their calendars the medical biz is the worst by far. The time you are allocated never coincides with the time they make available; it is just an indication of from when you should be available for their attention, arrogant buggers.
Eventually the system swept me up and after a fun time flirting with the nurses I was wheeled into the heart of the matter. Tubes were attached and I was rendered malleable with a dose of delicious intravenous Dormicon. I slipped from a state of mild terror into total bliss and woke up some time later with my eye in a bandage. The next day I presented my eye to the man, who peeled of the covering and a wonderful bright new world appeared to me, I still cannot believe the difference, I have been half blind for ages it is all like an acid trip with brilliant colours, sparkling clarity and NO specs JOY!!
While I was under the knife the world continued normally being all tooth a claw out there, my particular chum was involved in one of those mysterious prangs that one passes on dead straight sections of the highways, got well smashed about and is sad and broken in his bed, too manly to wear a safety belt the eejit, the driver who is less concerned with his sexuality and did is fine. At the same time a neighbor and fellow lodge owner is down with the big C, and it must be bad, she is a lovely lady but straight as frozen rope, and she was very enthusiastic about glugging down my famous Honey and weed juju juice.
Well all this suffering and torment around me prompted me to get hold of a chum of a chum that is now a chum and also a medicine woman, who owed me for some country hospitality and was roped in to check out my organism.
I was very relieved to discover that modern medical practices have moved beyond the rubber glove scenario and that blood was enough which she drained from me, listened to my heart and lungs and surprisingly did not claim that I was a gurgley chested emphysema sufferer, which surprised me. A few days later she informed me that other than high cholesterol whatever that boggy is, that I had the constitution of a mildly dyspeptic ox, which all feel is a great injustice in the scheme of things, me having behaved as badly as I have all these years. The final straw was when the results of my lung x rays were revealed, perfect, and that after 40 fags a day for 30 years!
I am very smug